There is no escape. You can’t be a vagabond and an artist and still be a solid citizen, a wholesome, upstanding man. You want to get drunk, so you have to accept the hangover. You say yes to the sunlight and pure fantasies, so you have to say yes to the filth and the nausea. Everything is within you, gold and mud, happiness and pain, the laughter of childhood and the apprehension of death. Say yes to everything, shirk nothing. Don’t try to lie to yourself. You are not a solid citizen. You are not a Greek. You are not harmonious, or the master of yourself. You are a bird in the storm. Let it storm! Let it drive you! How much have you lied! A thousand times, even in your poems and books, you have played the harmonious man, the wise man, the happy, the enlightened man. In the same way, men attacking in war have played heroes, while their bowels twitched. My God, what a poor ape, what a fencer in the mirror man is— particularly the artist— particularly myself!
Jeremy pt. 1 - a work in progress
I have been experiencing an intense internal push to write about a relationship I took part in a few years ago. It will probably take a few entries to get the whole story out. I have so many feelings about this pairing. Sometimes the feelings are so intense, I fear that I will never fully reach real “closure”. It has been almost three years, and I still think about it more than I’d like to. I suppose I have to write it out. Get it out. Move along. Move forward. I need to stop looking back. But I have to, just this once. To organize my thoughts. Why was he such a powerful force in my life?