Jeremy pt. 1 - a work in progress
I have been experiencing an intense internal push to write about a relationship I took part in a few years ago. It will probably take a few entries to get the whole story out. I have so many feelings about this pairing. Sometimes the feelings are so intense, I fear that I will never fully reach real “closure”. It has been almost three years, and I still think about it more than I’d like to. I suppose I have to write it out. Get it out. Move along. Move forward. I need to stop looking back. But I have to, just this once. To organize my thoughts. Why was he such a powerful force in my life?
My old bedroom is my new bedroom
Oh man. Well first of all, I should probably say that I have been drinking. I am not drunk, but I have been drinking basically all day long for the last four days. Wake up, drink. Sit down, drink. My life is a Kendrick Lamar song.
Something inside has been pushing me to write. The desire to understand myself, and why I do what I do, and how I think, and why I feel what I feel is overwhelming at this point in my life.
I have allowed my fears to completely rule me. I have allowed such unrelenting self-hatred and disgust into my heart, and I have held onto it so tightly that I don’t think I have room for anything else. I don’t want it anymore. I want to destroy it. I want to obliterate it into a million pieces that will never fit back together.
In order to do this, I need to understand how it got there in the first place. I don’t even know where to start…
One night in November, or maybe it was late October, I tried to kill myself.